I have a couple of friends who I never hear from except through bulk forwarded email. These emails are sent along to me as well as all of the rest of the poor folks found in the address book. I feel really special when I receive these kinds of letters because I know how important I am to them to be included in their group. It would not be so bad except that most of the stuff is either political or reliegious crap – really sappy stuff that is painful to even hit delete on or its brainless dribble that is supposed to give you a smile.

Here is a recent installment. You be the judge. Is this worth passing along to everyone you know filling their email boxes. Maybe they have nothing else to do. Who knows? If you like it I will pass along your address so that you to can be included in these gifts:

Retirement Choices

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that ‘dry heat’ is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where..
1. You say ‘the city’ and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is ‘nature,’
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moo se.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in Texas where..
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. ‘y’all’ is singular and ‘all y’all’ is plural.
3. ‘He needed killin’ ‘ is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ on the same day.
4 You end sentences with a preposition: ‘Where’s my coat at?’
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, ‘It was different!’

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road con struction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

We all have friends who love to send email. Sometimes the emails we receive are reports or news of what our friends are up to. At other times it is a forwarded little anecdote or funny story that they thought just needed passing along. Does this annoy you or is it just me? As an example, I have this great friend of mine who is over-seas right now – he is quite the ‘red neck’ type, ex LA County Sheriff and all around Pro-American. He sends me all of the Right Wing crap about how the Commies are taking over the world. Oops, he use to do that now he just rants about immigration issues and how every one here should just be American not X, Y, Z….American. You get the picture. His mail I just delete quietly lest I seam somehow Un-American and get Big Brother looking in on me.

Then there is Karyn. You know her, she is the girl that is as liberal as a mouse living under the pew at the inner city Gospel Chapel riding along in the back pocket of some Pink Panther while they march for equal rights for something or other. She sends me email too. Today was really special because Karyn sends me this letter titled, “Smile For The Day”. I just can’t wait to see the joke she is sending so I quickly open the mail and what do I find? Well its not a virus at least. You be the judge:

David,

I just thought you would love this little story and I think it will put a grin on your face:

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down
on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece
of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several
tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up
to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

So I am sitting here wondering if I ever heard this story before or some variation on it. Urban legend has it that somewhere this has been spoken again and again and now is a rampent internet moster. All in all its a good tale so I thought you would enjoy the Spam. You know a man the best when you see what fills his in box so there you go try to figure that out!

Merry Christmas to all. It has been a while since writing but the Christmas cheer has got me in the mood and I did want to pass along a recipe for cookies that I just received from Kari Cole – my boss now by the way! So if you are up to baking here goes one hell of an interesting formula. This comes from the kitchen of a world class chef mind you. Just one word of caution – bake at your own risk. Author does not endorse eating these things as published:

 Kari Cole’s Christmas Cookie recipe

Happy holidays!! I wanted to share my favorite cookied recipe with you……

Tequila Christmas Cookies:

Ingredients you will need:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp. lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle tequila

1. Sample the tequila in a large glass to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, and check the tequila again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
3. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
4. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
5. At this point, it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so, try
another cup.
6. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
6. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
6. Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.
6. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
6. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
6. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
6. Check the tequila.
6. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
6. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
6. Greash the oven.
6. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the
dirty stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!

So there you have it. Now just to set the record straight I have not yet tried these cookies but just give me a while and we’ll see. Merry Christmas to all and this coming year will be the best one yet!